Inside My Head
by Hasegawa
Summary: Opium timeline. China: Betrayal was painful, and a prospect of love was too sweet to ignore. Japan: Remose was too late and inside my head I was always your most important-but not anymore. England and Hong Kong side dish. Warning: a bit of Mpreg.


Pairing: Japan X China, Uk XChina.

Timeline: When opium was free flowing in China and some time afterwards.

Warnings: A tad bit of mpreg. Incest (?) and good dose of angst.

Note: This is a one shot I presented for Blind-Alchemist, a really supportive friend I am really thankful for. She requested Japan X China, and since I am still in my UK X China mood, I think I cannot make a story without instering an England here. XD Enjoy!

* * *

He saw the British nation came out from the room, and all he could think was to stop himself from bitting the British's head off.

So he waited, until the British—smirking, sneering, cunning bastard—man was out from the picture before walking nearer to China's bedroom.

Japan knocked on the door. It was a useless move, just done for the sake of manner. He gently opened the door, to find the same old room with new odour and the disgustingly sweet scent of sex. In front of him lazed a beauty comparable to nothing, used to be majestic and now fell to the bottom of the pit, his older brother, China.

China's limbs were spread out, clothes barely covered his skin. His hair was everywhere, and liquids were sipping out from his body. Japan bit his lips. The golden eyes were hidden behind the closed eyelids for most of the time now. His mouth never stopped smiling, with the delirious scent of opium around. His body was limp, and the last trace of active beauty has disappeared, into solemn, silent, tragic splendour.

"…Nii san, you need to eat." _And stop inhaling those poisons and ruining yourself. _

He was ignored, of course. The opium addict only smiled weakly, whispering. "…Ah… you are here, aru…"

"I need you to stop smoking those, Yao-nii san. This is bad for you, bad for us, bad for everyone. You need to stop using the poison from that" _bastard, idiot, devilish_ "western nation. We need you to be sober, Oniisan."

"… Is he going to come back soon, aru?"

"Taiwan is crying, nii san. She needs you. Taiwan is not big enough to protect herself from those intruders. Yong Soo.. He is trying his best. But we need you. And we are worried about you." _Because you are our nii san, our protector, the wisest and oldest from all of us. You are the one who supposed to be strong and know everything and decide what to do next. _

But China didn't open his eyes. Instead, his smile turned into mockery. "Worried? Why you need me, aru? All of you… left me… always like that, only return when you need me… and now I found this… this… heaven, this nation that make me feel happy for once, aru… I don't need to care anymore. I don't want to care anymore."

China shook his head softly.

"My head hurts. Can you leave alone now, Kiku? I need to rest."

"I am worried about you, nii-san. You will get your headache as long as you keep using those poisons! So stop now! I beg you!"

China sneezed, carelessly swung his slim legs and stumbled on some pillows around him. And then he laughed at himself when he realized that his was sneezing. Japan couldn't watch the freak show. It was getting painful to watch how… how his oldest brother wretched himself out. But China spoke again, this time sounded more sober.

"You said you have grown… right, Kiku? Remember the scar you imply on my back? So… why don't you be the oldest for once, aru? And feel… fell how I feel all this time."

It was Japan turn to be speechless.

China waved his hands and laughed. "Got you!" he laughed louder. "Ahhh… it feels so good, aru… I just never know… why did I never think of using these wonderful herbs, aru? This way I can be honest and we can mutually hate each other!"

"…Do you… hate us, nii san?"

China pouted, and then inhaled another sip from the burning pipe. "I don't hate you… it's all of you who hated me first. Now we are even… aru! Can't you see I am happy? These golden leaves are so good…. Oh, I love Arthur. He is the best man I ever met."

Japan swallowed hard. This was not what it supposed to be. He thought that if he actually sneaked into the room and talked to China, China would get sober and went back as strong as he used to. He felt he was the only one China would listen from, because he is _Japan_, the first child China found, the first and most sensible sibling of his, the one China always listened from. That's why Taiwan begged him to get her 'Yao gege sober'. That's why Korea was so jealous of him, because China never listened to the (simply annoying) active nation. And Japan knew, knows, known so well how China loves him the most. China said it so many times, before Japan ended their relationship with a stab on China's back.

Japan's voice was shaking.

"…You love… that foreigner?"

"Yes." China smiled, adoring his imagination of the dirty blonde green eyed man. "His eyes were so green… how can humans have green eyes aru? It's so exotic."

"It's not exotic! That's the sign of him being the evil spirit's reincarnation!"

"He is not evil, aru. He brought me joy and golden leaves and … a son."

"A…A son?"

"It's almost there. He's almost born. I can feel it." China smiled. "And Arthur was so happy when I told him that. It's the harbour we created together."

"Nii san!"

"Close the door, will you? I want to rest, aru. See you later, Kiku."

Japan grinded his teeth bitterly as he closed the door behind him. The golden leaves might have left China in hallucination of happiness. The opium might have fooled China into believing that he was in love with the foreigner. But a son? A harbour? Together? Creating?

Why everything felt so heavy and sad in his chest?

* * *

The next time Japan forced himself to meet China again; he was welcomed by quite a surprise. England slammed the door behind him before rushing out in rage.

Images of China being abused made Japan's head boil. So Japan slipped in, didn't even bother to knock. That was it. He needed to get China sober no matter what.

"Nii san…" Japan wanted to start, but he stopped when he saw how China was already sober, pale and sobbing on the floor with a bundle of crying creature inside his arms. A "… are you OK?" voice came out instead.

But he didn't move to get nearer to the oldest nation.

"Kiku." China smiled and dried his eyes quickly with his sleeve. "Long time no see, aru. How are you?"

"… Is that…?"

"Meet him. Your new brother, another shattered part of me aru. I called him Xiang. In your language, you write it as 'Kaoru'. Fragrance. He is still small and weak, but he is a very strong boy, aru."

"… Why are you crying, nii san?"

"Oh. Just a fight. I asked Arthur to stop the opium. I need to be strong and sober back since I have Xiang to protect now. But he got angry and said I am using him. Well… suit himself. He is still young. He would never understand aru."

"…So… you are sober?"

"Yes." China smiled, rising up, barely able to stand straight, feet wobbling and body way thinner than ever. He looked exhausted. Weak. Lost. "Sorry about all of this. You don't need to worry. Tell Taiwan I'll be there soon for her. And Yong Soo too aru. You can return back to your place and not need to care about us anymore, Kiku."

"Nii san, I am here to help you sober."

"I am sober right now, aru. Don't mind me. You always want your own solitary, right? Just be careful of the foreigner. They are not as good as they seemed."

"I can see."

China started to cry fresh tears.

"I thought he was genuine. Sorry, aru. It's just I feel lonely. You hate me. All of you left me. After all I have done for you. And then he came in. and he felt wonderful. Gentlemanly—that's how their country put it. Someone who said he wanted to protect me—a weird thing, since I am born to protect. But I cannot let him make me a part of his commonwealth. And we quarrelled. Just right after this boy was born, aru. So sad, really."

"I… I can help you. I am stronger now, nii san. I will stay and help you and we'll fight them together."

"No, aru." China shook his head. "Just go. Please."

"Nii san…"

"I don't need to be reminded of my mistakes, aru. I can see that no one wants to stay. I can see that I need to protect everyone. I know I am weaker than ever now, but I have this boy. And he won't leave me, because he is a real part of me. I can be strong for him, for Taiwan and Yong Soo. So, _go_."

"Yao nii!"

"Kiku." China smiled in strain. "I appreciate your offer, but please remember, my back scar is still painful, aru. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I have enough things to face, and I don't have time to worry about when I will be stabbed from the back again. So go. Thank you, aru. Really."

And the bundle cried; making China cuddled it closer to his chest. Japan bit his lips.

"I… I never wanted to hurt you. I… I didn't mean it; I never hate you, Yao nii. I… I _love_ you."

China suddenly walked to Japan's standing place. Japan was caught unguarded when China kissed his cheek. Now that he has grown, he was taller than China. The same exact thoughts crossed China and he chuckled.

"You are taller aru. I cannot kiss your forehead anymore. I appreciate your feelings, aru. But it's too late. I cannot believe you anymore. When you were small, I would die from happiness if you said that lie to me. But not now, after I understand your real feeling. So _go_."

And China closed the door in front of Japan's face.

* * *

_Too late. _

Too late was a cruel string of words.

Japan stared at China throughout the world meeting. The oldest nation didn't look like he was the oldest, in fact, when he was pouting (like now), China looked like a child in the sea of paedophile. Russia, England, France and America were all around him, teasing and seducing the smallest oldest nation.

Was it really too late to say love? Was it really ever a too late timeline to say sorry?

It seemed so.

But inside his head, Japan never stopped saying 'I love you' and 'I am sorry'.

And unfortunately, China is not a psychic.

* * *

END.

Blind-Alchemist! I hope you enjoy this story (as usual, China centric)

Thank you for readinG! Review?

[I am sorry. I know it is inappropriate to ask for review by manipulating the sentence and asked for reviews from readers. Review should come from the reader's own initiative. And i feel I am a hypocrite, UGH.) By the way, listen this with the song '2 AM Breathe' by Anna Nalick. It is a truly wonderful song. XD


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